Holed

I'm weak and a prick. I stick to something impossible even when I know it was better left undone. God hates me because of this and let me cry in pieces for my own sake.... 


Mood : Shallow
Listen to : Silverchair - Miss You Love

Stealer

Maybe you shouldn't know them in the first place.
Maybe you should just stay away.
Maybe I shouldn't know you from the beginning.


Oh how I hate your presence here
I wish you just go away, eaten by a three-headed dog, fell from the airplane into the nile river, crashed in the face by a wood log
or any way you want
just.... get out


How it feels when you hang on the phone with my best mate
How it feels when you walk together with my crush.
How it feels when you take away the fun time between us.
How it feels when you won that student's council position, and I did not.


I hate it when you did that to someone else, I really do
it wasn't in any closer to the phrase of nice
and when you did that to me
I'm beyond hate
way beyond hate
I tolerate nothing from you anymore
karma is a bitch, remember that!


Mood : Hating
Listen to : Green Day - 21 Guns

Failure

Do you ever feel like you lost inside your own body and mind?

It's a feeling you feel when you just simply don't trust yourself

with anything

And in my case

everything

The position I applied myself for

Oh the optimistic once I had, it even amazed myself

but I set my hopes too high to be pathetically let down

This event brought me to a hell depressing three days

Reminiscing another failure I had

or should I add the letter 's' to it?

The competition that running a few months back

Oh the optimistic once I had, it even amazed myself

Somebody close to me win it

And she didn't even have an optimist opinion as close as mine

Fuck

The test I had underwent a few days back

Oh the optimistic once I had, it even amazed myself

I didn't even get the result, close to what I wanted

Somebody close to me did

And she didn't even have an optimist opinion as close as mine

Double fuck

Call me lame, feeble, stupid, inadequate, or anything

I don't give a damn

I'm weak like this

and it's nobody's secret that everyone have their own vulnerable side

Sorry to everyone I've been lying to

is not that I'm scared with having nobody while you're gone (even writing it sounds weird and idiotic)

it's just that I'm not strong enough to face anything, yet

Failure might come and catches me while I'm doing things

and it sucks

Mood : Failed
Listen to : All-American Reject - The Wind Blows (Thomas Gold Remix)

Popular

If there's one phrase you should always hold on to in high school
That would be
"Don't fit in with the popular"

Oh the dramas they cause
The mouths that never shut
The attitudes you can't trust

For the reason or two I haven't quite able to ignoring them in 8 grade
but that's another story
Because, I managed to got out beautifully from one of them yesterday

The achievement I will always smiling on

The story begins when one of them commented on a photo of me and our mutual.
I have to admit, it wasn't the best face I could pull off
but whatever, it couldn't ruin anything, could it?
Well, so I was thinking

But, they talked about it
and with talk, I mean talk bad
Come on, what other talent they got other than that?
Oh yeah, making other's life miserable, that's the second

The words they used actually hurting and if I let my emotion take control I could have just cried right now
But I didn't
Instead, I talked very, very calming and just laugh about it
I never thought it would work.
But it did
The comments stopped and they went away
Stupid people

Mood : Winning
Listen to : Papa Roach - What Do You Do

Blogged with the Flock Browser

She is

Fuck, I hate her!

Most people choose the worst words when they curse someone, but, consider that I'm such a nice person to begin with, I just choose wise words like 'may you have the best life, dear mum'

Oh oh oh, now I'm scared of karma

Not

A few minutes ago, I was ready to spill all my anger and rage and hatred to this white screen upon me, but then I was able to control myself and took a deep, very deep breath, so that I could handle this emotion.

Some people need to console a meditation for relaxing, it works perfectly.

Today,

Correctness : Yesterday, (It's 1 in the morning already)

I was ready to step my feet away from the family I have and live this life to the fullest, until someone stopped me with a yell and I just stunned there, couldn't move.

Yeah, okay, so I was being pathetic to stay, but what's the use of running anyway?

I hate when they (parents) start talking about God

For Heaven's sake, I know the one who's gonna fucking punish me, you don't have to tell me, I'm so fucking understand what will happen! Get a new daughter for all I fucking care

Wow, I really do spill my anger here.

Such a shame, my meditation doesn't work perfectly.

Oh well....

Mood : Angry
Listen to : Silverstein - Born Dead

Belief

I was just rolling my mouse over my document folders and I found something I wrote a long ago, it goes like this :

One day, I came across to a cogitation. I like to create and muse over philosophies, so a cogitation like this isn't a rare case for me.

What if all that we see, all that we touch, all that we hear, and all that we think, they are all only perception, a visible view through our little minds. Can you proof something exist? But not by the eyes or other human mechanics system.

Put it this way, some people have faith in God, some don't. They who believe insist that God is found in existence, even though it's in a mysterious way. The thought is embedded in their brains and it's a firm belief for them. As for them who believe in no God or have no faith towards Him, also known as atheists for some reasons, don't have this firm belief so they don't know or better yet, don't think that God is exist in any way.

From that paragraph I can conclude that thing that exists for us may not be the same for other and vice versa. So, can we really tell that we have two eyes? or maybe it's just a firm belief that planted on our narrow little minds. Maybe the truth is we don't have eyes at all, it's only a perceptible media for us to see the world and we thought that eyes really are existed. And how about human's shape? Is it really us? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe the body that we have is just something that never prevail in the first place? That we can create this body the way we want, over our imaginary, over our fictional aspiration. if we just could embed a firm belief on people's minds, a delusion to change our own image for the worlds to see.

Confused yet? Don't be because I will set another example to explain more about this cogitation.

Another example to take is, the second I type this words, I'm sitting on a chair. I believed that this chair is exist, right here. I believed that this chair is meant to be sat and I'm capable of sitting on it, and because that belief is embedded on my mind the result is there to see, I'm sitting on this chair. Maybe, if I don't believe this chair is here I wouldn't be sitting like now I do. Does this make any sense to you?

What are humans? What are colors?  What is blue? What is green? What are thoughts? What is sky? Do they really exist? Or is it just a delusion, lying to us for all these times. There are no facts, there are only opinions.

Does reality that we're undergoing right now is the 'real' reality? What if reality that we've been believed since we're born it's not the way it is. There is no right or wrong. There is only delusions, believed by so many people so that it named itself 'reality'.

This isn't a question to be mystified, nor a statement to be judged. 

I know well, very well, that this isn't something new to humans' minds. So, there's must be a reply, a retort, an answer, a 

respond or anything to this weird cogitation before, and for that, I'm gonna keep looking.

Mood : Believing

Listen to : Heavyweight - Infected Mushroom

Perfection

It doesn't exist.

Some people just say it for another term of being hideous.

I know this is a late respond to a once filthy word everybody use on the internet scene, but it's better late than never they said.

So look upon your myspace/facebook/livejournal/whatever friends connector you use, and see what kind of people using this kind of shit.

If that's the perfection, then I don't wanna be perfect no more.

Despite all those things I just said, being perfect is something everybody's longing for.

And I guess, I'm just the same stupid.

I know it's not real, nobody's perfect. But, what can I say? Sometimes I'm just doubting myself too much that it kills myself...

For the record, I always feel I'm the most incomplete being there is.

Such a retard thought, isn't it?

Mood : Low

Listen to : Lovely - Breathe Carolina

Shit

Do you think I'm arrogant?

Well, world doesn't speak for itself, do they? So I guess I'm just gonna wonder around for until... 

I guess it takes forever to figure that out.

Hmm I think I'm just gonna talk shit today so let my words flow for what they are and don't try to stop me people.

I ate a half cylinder of prigles, just a few minutes ago and I feel really full. (Do I even need to add "" sign on that word?)

Oh yeah I haven't told you yet that I've decided I'll become an anorexia for the short period of time.

Outer means more than inner and that's a fact nobody could deny.

That's the reason, well, mostly. (I can list things like I'm an obese and such but I won't)

I almost fall asleep the whole day and still I feel tired.

Something abnormal is happening.

Is not that I care about anyway, but still....

The grades are struggling and I don't know if I still could keep up with the whole curriculum or not, but I, honestly, feel like I'm just stupid like that and I don't think I will make it to the next round of school year.

I hate school for a better reason (Unlike anybody you could think of)

Didn't I sound really sad and pathetic nowadays?

Or did I always?

Mood : Fucked

Listen to : MGMT - Kids

Feel

I hate to feel these. But, feeling isn't something I have the ability to control of.

The second I woke up from my nightmare in the morning, I felt scared.

My feet stepped on the bathroom door, tried to adjust with the light, I felt terrible.

I went back to my room, I felt lost.

The school was waiting, met heaps of people I'm lacking on communication, I felt nervous.

Some of them said something they shouldn't to me, I felt fucked up.

I got home and laid on my couch, I felt tired.

Most of my friends, were discovered, have achieved what I never, but really like to, achieve, I felt envious.

And for some other time I didn't mention above, I tend to felt mad, to felt hate, to felt sad

disappointed

but worse than that.

I keep on feeling unaccomplish, I'm just a shit that tried so hard to be something but ended up failing and thrown to the street, hit by a car and never ever been heard again.

I felt depressed way too much for someone in my age even when there's no responsibility to take care of.

I have been consuming so many anger and rage I don't know if my body could hold any longer.

I lost myself in the way and I have no confidence to find it again.

I need a medication. I need a psychiatrist. I need sleeping pills. I need alcohol. I need friends. I need boyfriend. I need confidence. I need ego. I need money. I need clothes. I need to move on. I need to talk. I need to stop eating. I need to stop drinking. I need to stop find another friend. I need to try harder. I need to stop believing in people so much it may hurt myself.

I need to realize that we're on our own when it comes to living life and dying days.

I need to realize that people can't stay the same for the longest time.

I need to realize that unreal things never gonna make myself feel better.

So then what it is that can make me feel better?

God, sometimes I wish I had another life.

Mood : Confused

Listen to : Bring Me the Horizon - Diamonds Aren't Forever

Snob

For God's sake, you should stop acting like one. You get the hell out of me. 

Stop wearing that fancy preppy clothes! 

Stop intimidating me with that killer look! 

Stop taking picture with cigarette smokes and disco light around you! (FYI, that is soooo out of the season)

Stop drinking just because you think it's cool to drink!

Stop wasting money for such useless shits! (I know I may not bother in this one, but hey, don't you care about poor people that give anything just to eat?)

And for the last, stop making me feel I should be one!

I'm not going to envy you or anything, but please just stop making me thinking that being you is FUN. 

Because it's actually NOT, and I would like to be left with that fact forever.

Having so many money in your private vault and bank account is something everyone dreamt off, but some people (including me) are most likely aware that, that thing, are things that should be stay as a dream, not turn into a reality.

Some people are having the reason for afraid of the consequences.

I tend to be one, because...

I don't wanna lose the way myself now, if I turn into someone like YOU!

Mood : Enrage

Listen to : Eatmewhileimhot! - When in Rome!